Nick MacKinnon is a freelance teacher of Maths, English and Medieval History, and lives above Haworth, in the last inhabited house before Top Withens = Wuthering Heights. In 1992 he founded the successful Campaign to Save Radio 4 Long Wave while in plaster following a rock-climbing accident on Skye. His poem ‘The metric system’ won the 2013 Forward Prize. His topical verse and satire appears in the Spectator, and his puzzles and problems in the Sunday Times and American Mathematical Monthly. Email: nipmackinnon@gmail.com
Substation at Sutcliffe Plantation SD 94924 32443 ///condensed.defected.nutty
Anyone who knows the bird wonderland on Walshaw Moor, the centre of the South Pennines Special Protection Area Phase 2, wonders how Christopher Wilson ever thought that he might be given consent to destroy it. Which alternatives that were not right in the middle of an SPA were considered and discarded? Does Mr Wilson suffer from an irrational hatred of curlews?
The following account of a meeting of the Curlew Eradication Project gives some insight into the difficulties Mr Wilson’s ludicrous proposal must face on the SPA. When a campaign acquires leaked material of this kind, especially from a mole as suspect as Deep Stoat (now thought, from his signature cry “Pesto et Pasta!” to be a former schoolmate of Richard Bannister at Stowe) it has to be fact checked, and what we now know to call “developed vetting” by a world-famous organisation, with an international reputation for integrity and many of the same concerns as Richard Bannister, forms the second half of this blog.
Curlew Eradication Project Congress 2026
Christopher Wilson adjusted the moss-green quilted gilet that he took off only to put on his moss-green quilted pyjamas. It was said to hide scars earned in combat with the dangerous waders, for which he had been awarded the Iron Beak, first class.
“Agent Bigley! Give Congress your report from our stronghold in the Principality of Wales.”
Bingley spoke with the comedy accent of the English tourist who evidently hopes to win the Llangollen Eisteddfod.
“The news is brilliant … umm… prilliant, Chairman. We predict the curlew will be extinct as a preeding species in ponny Cymru by 2033!”
Congress leapt to their feet in wild applause, but their eyes never left Christopher Wilson. The first to stop clapping could find themselves staked to a dry-stone wall in the stoat breeding season, next to the authors of the CEP Scoping Report.
“What’s this about a wind farm ban, Bingley?”
“The green loppy say wind turpines in Wales should be panned from land with more than five pairs of curlews. It’s woke pollocks gone pananas. It’s shutting the staple door after the horse has polted. Our eradication is complete. The Welsh sky will soon be pright and peautiful from Parry to Pangor, look you, boyo.”
“Good work Pingley … umm … Bingley. Are you heading home to a curlew-free Wales tonight?”
“We live in Pognor sir, and I’m staying at an Air P&P in Plackpurn.” Bingley’s voice wavered in high emotion. “Might Agent Egal be raised to the Iron Peak, second class, sir. Without the turpines he puilt in Powys we’d have peen puggered.”
“No sentiment comrade! Agent Egal has a last mission before he comes in from the cold. Bydd Cymru yn rhydd o’r crylwr!”
In the embarrassed silence, the Chairman called for news from Scotland. “Agent Macaber!”
“Chairman, we have a major force of the enemy cornered in the Solway Pocket and are steadily destroying the breeding grounds in Galloway, but our English comrades are so gutless that curlew may linger in Scotland beyond Freedom Day on 21 April 2030. We found this English egg only yesterday above Castle Douglas.”
She held up the greenish speckled ovoid. One delegate was so distressed he vomited into his CEP26 souvenir tote bag, but Agent Macabre broke the egg into a cocktail shaker, added Infamous Grouse, lemon juice and sugar and toasted Chairman Wilson with a Curlew Sour. “Numenius Delenda Est.” Around the bunker the delegates murmured the sacred oath of the CEP.
“How do you know the egg’s parents were English?”
“They were overheard asking if Wigtown Waitrose sold single-estate porridge oats.”
“That’s the kind of scientific accuracy that won me the 2024 FIFA Prize for Ornithology. You will be reassured, Macaber, by the plans of our Pennine section. Agent Moss, please.
“Inspired by the superb work of our Celtic cousins, we have decided to confront the enemy in its English fortress. The South Pennines are infested with curlews, polluting the wind with their burbling. Habitat fragmentation is our best weapon against the wader menace. First slide please.”
Agent Gritstone gasped. “But that’s the South Pennine Special Protection Area! It would be like storming the guns of Navarone with a stick of celery!”
“That’s exactly what we expect the curlews to think. We shall destroy one of the densest concentrations of breeding curlews in Western Europe using the element of surprise.”
“You’re sending our brave consultants into internationally designated blanket bog to be annihilated!”
“Next slide please! We start in Colne and use a classic pincer movement converging on Shackleton.”
“Flame throwers?” asked Wilson hopefully.
“An excellent close-quarter anti-curlew weapon, Sir, but the Environment Agency insists on the blanket sterilisation of Walshaw Moor. Drive them from the stronghold; fragment the breeding ground; dry out the habitat; encourage predators on the fringes to mop up; and sow the ground with concrete and granite that will never be removed. Once the English people finally understand how we deal with these web-footed wasters, they’ll beg us to silence the rest of the Pennines. The last English curlew may already have been hatched!” Her eyes shone.
The Chairman let the roar of exultation gust through the bunker. Agent Moss would be a worthy successor after his long years of service in the killing bogs of Gibraltar and Tetbury.
“Sadly, like my predecessors Moses and Paul Gascoigne, I shall not reach the promised land and World Cup Final of a curlew-free England. But Colne, Agent Moss? Is that not the headquarters of the quisling Bannister?”
“Curse the traitor! Since the Natural England agreement, the curlew has boomed on Walshaw Moor. Scrupulously recorded Estate figures sent to Natural England in return for public subsidy suggest a doubling of curlew since 2017 and a 30% jump in 2025 alone. We launch our counter-offensive not a moment too soon.”
“How did you compromise the perfidious haberdasher?”
“We stuffed his mouth with Saudi gold. He may like curlews in theory, but he adores a bung in practice.”
“Agent Whitmore! Have Cavendish Consulting still got Ed Miliband in your company’s signature combination of half-Nelson and Singapore grip?”
Like his body-double Mikel Arteta, Kevin Whitmore looked anxious, and with even more justification.
“The Labour manifesto pledge to halve the English curlew population in two parliaments gave us high hopes, but following a Starmer U-turn, Mary Creagh is saving curlews like they had a postal vote, and now she’s in league with the King. Between them they’ve opened a National Nature Reserve linking the people of Bradford with the curlews on Walshaw Moor. I blame this 30 by 30 scam. What’s the point of Brexit if we end up working with almost every nation on Earth to conserve nature?”
“Curlew eradication is going gangbusters in the King’s Welsh and Scottish dominions, Kevin. Why should Bradford be denied a glorious wader-free future? We don’t pay a huge retainer to Pinsent Masons to have these curlew-fiddling Ministers getting cosy with His Majesty. Didn’t Cavendish’s leading questions prove that 52% of cats who expressed a preference might consider curlew if it came in a single-serving foil pouch with truffle hollandaise? I shall remind Charles at our next audience that he is King for the curlew destroyers too. Thank God we have our loyal Saudi friends. Your report Agent Osman!”
“Chairman, while Al Gihaz are still committed to initiating the eradication of the English curlew, you must remember Saudi Arabia’s 30 by 30 goal is a reflection of the Kingdom’s leadership in global environmental initiatives and its dedication to sustainable ecological practices. We expect your Mr Miliband to align your great country with the 2030 Vision of Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman, thus saving the Walshaw Moor curlews for humanity. Furthermore, we have one or two matters to raise with your Ashley Robinson about the incompetent Scoping Report. I understand he is unavailable?”
“He’s staked to a dry stone wall on Fox Hole Top” said Wilson, absently. “But Ghazi, this is a stab in the back and the rankest hypocrisy. The Saudis have the inherited privilege of living in a curlew-free Kingdom and now they would deny England the finance we desperately need to begin the extermination of our own. Have you been watching Attenborough in the Honeymoon Suite of the Port of Blyth Hilton again?”
“Chairman, In Saudi Arabia we have Numenius Arquata on the Red Sea and Numenius Orientalis on the Persian Gulf. Riyadh is simply the jam in a curlew sandwich and MBS is going to save them all by 2030!”
The light died in Christopher Wilson’s sad eyes.
Fact Check by the FIFA Integrity Unit
Of the international organisations devoted to truth and justice, only the FIFA Integrity Unit have sufficient powers of arrest, enhanced interrogation, and Video Assisted Refereeing to fact check a report of this technical complexity.
1. Christopher Wilson’s long term commitment to curlew eradication Wilson’s claim is undermined by the fact that he is a residential property developer who has not erected so much as a bird table in an internationally designated SPA. The statement that he won the Iron Beak, first class, for action in the field has not been confirmed by the Ministry of Defence, and bone spurs may have prevented him joining the elite curlew extermination forces. Although FIFA have found no evidence of his active service abroad, Mr Wilson’s company WWRE has been struck off the register of Companies House in Gibraltar (PV Renewable Energy Worldwide Ltd, Company No. 116247, trading as World Wide Renewable Energy) so, like the SAS, he may have hoped to destroy Iberian curlews from the safety of the Rock.
2. Welsh curlews The action plan of Gylfinir Cymru/Welsh Curlew contains the following clause.
“Review land management sensitivity maps in Wales and adopt the principle that future sites for forest expansion and renewable energy should avoid areas that hold more than five pairs of curlews.”
Christian Egal, when CEO of EDF Renewables, masterminded the construction of several entirely legal wind farms in Powys which were all at rotor-diameter-defined densities well below CEP. At least one of these, Garn Fach, is in the middle of ICA 9, the important curlew area in Powys, shown in the Curlew Wales recovery plan.
3. Agent Bingley’s fake accent It is not possible for an English-speaking resident of Bognor to “win the Llangollen Eisteddfod” using the comedy accent adopted by some English visitors who have binge-watched Gavin & Stacey, because the festival is conducted mainly in the Welsh language.
4. Staked to a dry stone wall The statement that CEP delegates are disciplined by Christopher Wilson in this barbaric manner could not be verified by FIFA. However, the absence from the Statutory Consultations of certain consultants who were prominent at the Non-statutory Consultations has been noted, and includes Alison ‘BGS Sheet 77’ Sidgwick and Sue ‘Nae Surrender to the Pennine Way’ Birnie. The departure “for other opportunities” of Tom Andrews, who told John Page that CEP would be “High twenties of turbines by November 2025” is regretted. It may be that he is the victim of a CEP Shoot the Messenger policy, since it was Mr Andrews who had to interrupt his breakfast at 0906 on 1 May 2025 to tell Christopher Wilson that the Launch Maps for CEP all had a T42 when there were only 41 turbines.
5. Wonderland on Walshaw Moor In order to reconnoitre their proposed war on the curlew in the South Pennines Phase 2 SPA , CEP have paid Logika for an account of the wonderland for birds on Walshaw Moor, and it can be found in the CEP PEIR. FIFA can find no evidence for the rumour that this report was hacked by Stronger Together to Stop CEP.
6. Comparison of English and Scottish Solway hinterland hostility to curlews The variation in conifer density on moorland north and south of the Solway has been verified on the OS maps of the area. Dumfries and Galloway has extensive blanket Sitka and 477 operational wind turbines. Cumbria has 12 wind turbines and little commercial forestry.
7. Curlew sour 2 fl oz of bourbon, 1 fl oz freshy-squeezed lemon, 3 oz caster sugar, the white of one curlew egg and two handfuls of crushed ice: shaken, not stirred. The curlew is a red-listed bird and it is illegal to disturb its nest in any way without permission from Natural England. The attitude of CEP to ground-nesting breeding birds is laid out in their Scoping Report.
“Construction work will avoid the peak nesting period (April – May) wherever practicable to minimise impacts on the qualifying breeding bird species of the South Pennine Moors Phase 2 SPA and South Pennine Moors SSSI. This will be prioritised wherever practicable, but if construction work does need to take place during these times (and at any time during the nesting season) then standard good practice appropriate mitigation measures will be put in place.”
8. “Numenius Delenda Est” is modelled on the words of Cato the Elder demanding that “Carthage must be destroyed”. That the curlew assemblages will cease to exist on Walshaw Moor can be confirmed in ten minutes by walking along Cold Edge Road by Ovenden Wind Farm in May. Silence on one side: cacophony on the other. FIFA found it easy to gain access to Ovenden Moor WF via the open back gate, which allows tearaways to use the track system for joy riding on stolen quadbikes. The weird on-site birdlessness when all the country around is throbbing can then be experienced; one cause of this Silent Spring must be the constant shadow flicker on a sunny day. On his last visit inside Ovenden WF in mid-April, the FIFA representative heard only a single meadow pipit in forty-five minutes plus extra time.
9. Wigtown Waitrose and FIFA Prize for Ornithology. There is a Waitrose in Wigtown, but it does not sell, nor has it ever sold, single-estate porridge oats. The FIFA Prize for Ornithology, which unlike the Nobel Prize can be posthumous, has been awarded to Christopher Wilson (2024), Donald Trump (2025) and Bernard Matthews (2026).
10. Maximal curlew density Curlew densities in the South Pennines were already maximal for the UK in 2009. Since 2008 there has been a strong recovery of curlew on Walshaw Moor against a pattern of severe curlew decline generally, so it is likely that Walshaw Moor has the highest density of breeding curlews in the UK. Since the two highest densities in Europe are the UK (0.24 curlew/km2) and Finland (0.17 curlew/km2) it is likely that Walshaw Moor has the highest density of breeding Eurasian curlews in Europe. It is not uncommon to walk all day in May in the Yorkshire Dales National Park and not hear a curlew, let alone see one. On Walshaw Moor, curlew densities are so high, and are increasing so fast, that curlew song is loud and continuous, and at dusk in early July 2025 was overwhelming, perhaps one of the great wildlife experiences that day on Planet Earth. The observation that curlews can seem absent in the YDNP (ostensibly a stronghold) yet overwhelming on Walshaw Moor can be verified by anyone on any two days in May. The same comparison between Walshaw Moor and YDNP holds at least as strongly for lapwings and golden plovers.
11. Flame thrower v habitat fragmentation as means of curlew eradication FIFA tests confirm that a flamethrower is effective against nesting curlews but that the optimum method for controlling curlew infestation in a Special Protection Area is to build a wind farm at the centre. This finding has recently been confirmed by Dr Jennifer Brewin in a report for the Moorland Association. The curlews will be dispersed to the periphery and beyond, and predation by stoats, badgers, foxes, gulls and corvids will reduce the fledging rate to below the sustainable level. Curlews are site faithful, and the evolutionary logic is impeccable: since they successfully fledged on Walshaw Moor, there is a higher Bayesian probability that their own chicks will fledge. The very high densities on Walshaw Moor also create a strong element of communal defence against avian predators that will be lost on dispersal.
12. Moses and Paul Gascoigne FIFA can confirm that Paul Gascoigne was given a yellow card in the 98th minute of the 1990 World Cup semi-final against West Germany. This meant that whatever happened in the subsequent penalty shootout, he would not have been allowed to play in the final. Victor Moses plays on the wing for Kazakhstan Kaisar and FIFA found him to be a less apt example of “Not attaining the goal to which you have dedicated your life” than Mr Gascoigne.
13. Estate curlew monitoring FIFA have asked Natural England for the “scrupulously recorded Estate figures sent to Natural England in return for public subsidy” but Natural England have not got them. FIFA have asked Natural England to get them from the Estate but no progress has yet been reported. The requirement to monitor is stated in the Walshaw Moor Catchment Restoration Plan 2017-2042.
“3.2 Breeding birds Bird assemblages will be monitored across the Estate by the keepers, once yearly when undertaking July Grouse Counts.”
Given that Walshaw Moor is likely to have the greatest density of breeding curlews in Europe, and the curlew is one of the highest priority conservation species in the UK, it is essential to recover the monitoring data collected by the keepers. If the curlew assemblages are to be destroyed by CEP, first they must be understood.
14. Bungs The FIFA Integrity Unit found that the payments to Mr Bannister by CWF Ltd are of the order of £1 million p.a. FIFA found this sum to be pathetically small and have suggested an agent that Mr Bannister might use in future negotiations, and recommend that such payments are made in Swiss Francs. For comparison, Sepp Blatter, former President of FIFA, may have been paid $150 million by Qatar for the right to hold the World Cup, and unlike Mr Bannister on Walshaw Moor, Herr Blatter did not even own the World Cup. The idea that Mr Bannister “likes curlews” is privileged information provided by Deep Stoat. FIFA found no other evidence for the statement except the remarkable increase of curlew density on Walshaw Moor, which must be frustrating for the Curlew Eradication Project. One ethical distinction between the utterly disgraced Sepp Blatter and the universally admired Richard Bannister is that Sepp Blatter has criticised the 2034 World Cup in Saudi Arabia, saying that it would go against the human rights and democracy that make up FIFA’s values.
15. Half-Nelson and Singapore grip The report mentions this combination of wrestling move and a sexual technique narrowly popularised by the late Duchess of Windsor. FIFA can find no evidence for either of these methods of control being practised by Cavendish Consulting in the Calderdale area. However Mr Kevin Whitmore, the Cavendish lead for CEP, did say at the Hebden Bridge consultation that CWF Ltd were not that concerned by local opinion, and were putting most of their effort into lobbying “central government”. Several FIFA representatives asked if this ‘Cavendish signature method’ would be available at the forthcoming World Cup, but a Fact Check is not an appropriate place to indulge miscellaneous curiosity.
16. Suggestion that Kevin Whitmore of Cavendish Consulting is in fact Mikel Arteta. FIFA do not consider there to be any resemblance whatsoever, as the photographs below wholly confirm.
However, despite extensive research, no photograph has been found of Whitmore and Arteta in the same room, so the rumour that Mr Whitmore is not after all suborning central government in Westminster on behalf of CEP, using techniques pioneered by the Duchess of Windsor, but is instead involved in the tightest Premier League conclusion since 2012 (“Aguero!”) cannot be wholly discounted.
17. Pinsent Masons are the leading environmental lawyers in the UK, and are retained by CWF Ltd. Pinsent Masons have recently argued that wind farms should include a full analysis of wake losses of the array in their DCO applications. Since CEP will have much higher wake losses through overcrowding than any existing Pennine wind farm, CWF Ltd may come to regret hiring Pinsent Masons. That CEP is grossly overcrowded compared with all other Pennine wind farms is demonstrated (under Noise) in the Scoping Report commentaries of several statutory consultees adopted by the Secretary of State on 10 October 2025 beginning on p 119.
18. Leading questions refers to a statistical method used by Cavendish Consulting to assess local attitudes. When professionally designed questions were asked by Wadsworth Parish Council, over 93% of parishioners were opposed to CEP.
19. Truffle hollandaise Over 93% of veterinary surgeons consider this condiment to be unsuitable for most cats.
20. Labour manifesto pledge to halve curlew numbers over two parliaments FIFA can find no such Labour manifesto pledge. It may be that CEP were over-optimistic about a general hostility to curlews in the Labour Party, but the anti-nature rhetoric of Sir Keir Starmer has only singled out newts and bats, without expanding on which members of the Pleurodelinae and Chiropterae he found especially offensive. Furthermore, the statements of Mary Creagh, Nature Minister, have been strongly pro-curlew, as have been a slew of government initiatives and announcements on peatlands, including an historic change in the definition of deep peat from 40 cm to 30 cm. All the evidence FIFA could uncover shows that His Majesty’s Government are strongly pro-curlew, and are thus perfectly aligned with the British people and His Majesty the King.
21. Defra v DESNZ Any potential policy conflict between Defra and DESNZ on Walshaw Moor is resolved by the Defra/DESNZ joint policy report ‘Unlocking benefits’, which states that the government is committed to 30 by 30; that only 7.1% of land in England had been cleared for the commitment; and that the SPAs and SACs of which Walshaw Moor is a double example, are the backbone of the legally protected land for the 30 by 30 commitment. Since the Kunming-Montreal 30 by 30 commitment only applies to areas where there is nature to be legally protected, and England is as depleted of such areas as anywhere on Earth, while on the other hand a wind farm can be built anywhere it is windy, it is clear that a wind farm must not be built on the few places in England where there is legally protected, internationally designated. outstanding nature, constituting a Wonder of the World, and that to do so would unravel England’s faltering attempt to meet the 30 by 30 commitment that we claim to have led at COP 16.
22. His Majesty the King, working with Nature Minister Mary Creagh, Tony Juniper the Chair of Natural England, Natural England itself (who confirm that the site is “of national importance”) and Bradford Council, has sponsored a national nature reserve linking Bradford to Walshaw Moor, with the explicit purpose of making Walshaw Moor more accessible to nature-deprived Bradford. Conde Nast Magazine have announced it as a Wonder of the World 2026. The King, who has done a huge amount specifically for curlew conservation, has been informed of the conflict between his Pennine Gateway NNR and CEP, and Buckingham Palace has, naturally, replied.
23. That Saudi Arabia see themselves as leaders of the 30 by 30 commitment can be verified here. In a recent press release, the Minister of State for Foreign Affairs and the Kingdom’s envoy for climate, Adel Al-Jubeir, said that Saudi Arabia now has 20 percent of its territory designated as protected areas, a significant rise from just 3 percent a decade ago. During the “Climate Envoy Perspective” panel at the 4th Saudi Green Initiative Forum, Al-Jubeir highlighted Saudi Arabia’s dedication to environmental preservation and sustainability. The facts that Saudi Arabia already has 20% confirmed, while Saudi-backed CWF Ltd are proposing to destroy the legal basis of the whole of the UK’s paltry 7.1%, are too stark for the FIFA Integrity Unit to comment on, especially as our 2034 World Cup is being held in Saudi Arabia.
24. Riyadh as the jam in a curlew sandwich. See this short report. That the rare stone curlew has bred in Riyadh itself is confirmed here.
25. Current location of Mr Ashley Robinson The CEP consultant in charge of the DCO was seen in public at Denholme and Hebden Bridge, so cannot be permanently staked to a dry stone wall on Fox Hole Top while he repents of his Scoping Report, nor can a six-foot-two Australian be using Mikel Arteta as a stand-in at these events. At Denholme on 17 April 2026, the following exchange between Robinson and MacKinnon was witnessed by Christian Egal.
MacKinnon: “I have to check every word you say because you make so many mistakes, and I can’t check the PEIR properly because you are holding the Statutory Consultation wholly within the nesting season.”
Robinson: “It’s not your job to check the PEIR.”
MacKinnon: “I have to check it because you obviously don’t.”
On 20 April 2026, while checking the PEIR, MacKinnon discovered that the canonical list of turbine locations given to the nearest millimetre in the spreadsheet in PEIR Table 4-1, did not match the engineering drawings used throughout the PEIR at five sites T22 (192 m out), T27 (155 m), T28 (342 m), T30 (191 m) and T34 (39 m). MacKinnon sent a notification to CWF Ltd and the Planning Inspectorate at once. An erratum has now been published in the PEIR, but because it misses T22 which was one of the five erroneous locations MacKinnon notified and is of interest because of it being so close to the Pennine Way, an erratum to the erratum will have to be published, and the CWF Ltd and the Planning Inspectorate have been notified. FIFA can find no NSIP wind farm with a location error of more than 0.5 metres in its PEIR Turbine Location spreadsheet; such an error should be logically impossible since the location spreadsheet always defines the wind farm layout for the purposes of analysisas was also clearly stated in the original CEP PEIR.
4.3.3 “The indicative turbine locations identified at this stage, and used for the preliminary assessments presented in this PEIR, are provided in Table 4-1. These locations are subject to further refinement following the results of further surveys and assessment and details will be provided in the ES.”
Following this classic CEP horlicks, Ashley Robinson was buried in his laptop for the duration of MacKinnon’s visit to the Hebden Bridge consultation event on 21 April 2026, and MacKinnon did not want to intrude on the Australian’s private grief.
The FIFA Integrity Unit wish to conclude this Fact Check by stating categorically that Mr Robinson was not literally buried in his laptop.
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This is the 57th in a series of guest blogs originally based on the 65 wind turbines which Richard Bannister planned to have erected on Walshaw Moor.
The developers canned their original 65 wind turbines, quite possibly in response to the public humiliation of having their so-called ‘plan’ publicly shown to be damaging, irrational and probably unlawful. They came back with a plan for 42 wind turbines and the amazing Nick MacKinnon and friends ridiculed that so-called plan. Now the developers have brought forward a 34-turbine revision – the series continues.
To see all the blogs – click here.
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