After a year of middle-of-the-night feeds, leaky breasts, and stretchy pants, I’m finally starting to feel like myself again. Since giving birth to my second child, Emiliano, I’ve been waiting (longing? counting the days in desperation?) until the moment I finally come out of the fog of new parenthood.
Jannelle and Ella
When my now four-year-old daughter was a baby, I felt grounded in my new reality around seven months. Before Ella, I had never changed a diaper or rocked a newborn. But somehow, seven months after we brought her home from the hospital, I felt like me. Maybe even a better version of me. More capable, someone who got the hang of new skills like bathing a wiggly baby or shaking open a stroller with one hand. Every month, I’d share photos of Ella and me on Instagram, partly because I adored showing her off, but also, because I felt so happy — and to be honest, proud — of how quickly I came back to myself. I wanted to show all my friends ‘See, the old me is still here! You can have a baby and still meet up with friends for movie nights! And take your baby on hikes! And hang out in cafés.” I thought I’d mastered the art of weaving the baby into my life.
Today? I’m 14 months postpartum and still feel completely different from that old version of Jannelle. For example, I’m definitely more scatter-brained. Throughout college, I juggled full course loads of classes while holding down a part-time job — and never missed a deadline or shift. And in my early career, I worked full time, went to the gym five times a week, read books (!), and met up with friends. But this year, I can barely stay on top of the littlest things. This summer I accidentally left the fridge door open THREE times, while in a rush to get out the door. After the third time it happened, I broke down in tears in our kitchen, sobbing to my husband Max, “I’m running with half my brain. This isn’t me.” Ten months after Emiliano was born, I finally realized that during this stage in life, I can’t do everything I did in my pre-baby life. And that’s been a hard pill to swallow.
Thankfully, over time, I’ve found a few things that help me feel at home in my mind and body. Going on three-mile runs remind me that my body can climb hills and burst into sprints. And wearing my gold hoops every day adds glamour to my uniform of jeans and a T-shirt. The biggest game changer? Finally embracing the fact that I might not ever return to the woman I was pre-kids. At first, even the thought made me feel like a failure — like motherhood had consumed my entire identity. But now it feels liberating. I feel open to creating new rituals, like waking early to sneak in a chapter of a dreamy novel. It also gives me the motivation and peace to say no to old habits that aren’t serving me (like watching Traitors episodes until 1 a.m.) I’m only two months into no longer trying to feel like “pre-kid Jannelle,” but so far these two months have made my head feel clearer and more fulfilled in my role as a mom.
Curious to hear the perspective of a more seasoned parent, I reached out to Abbey Nova, a mom of 15-year-old and seven-year-old boys, and she shares similar feelings: “I felt like I ‘should’ go back to ‘normal,’ but motherhood forever changed me. Motherhood stripped away the decorative elements and revealed the structural bones of who I was. It’s a version of yourself — not your pre-kid self exactly, but a more distilled, focused version. The parts of yourself that matter the most have a way of reasserting themselves over time. And, for me, this happened with both kids around the time they were seven.”
Becoming a parent has brought so much goodness into my life. Like experiencing the magic of my daughter recognizing me for the first time, and tracing my son’s profile while he’s sleeping, so perfect it actually brings tears to my eyes. But parenthood also comes with growing pains, and it’s reassuring to hear that I’m not the only one trying to find myself again. Even the goddess Rihanna said motherhood threw her into a 180-degree identity shift.
Jannelle and Emiliano
If you have kids, do you feel like you’ve returned to your old self? Or do you feel like a different version of yourself since becoming a parent? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Motherhood is so personal and nuanced and having a safe space to share the highs and lows is such a gift. xoxo
P.S. Trying out slow parenting, and when did you bond with your baby?
